Screwed.edu
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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