so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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