i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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