I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
