Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
