I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
