What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
