i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
