Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
