life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
