I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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