what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
