I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
