The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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