yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
