It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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