Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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