My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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