i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
