It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
