A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
