But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
