This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
