so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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