ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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