She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
