That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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