Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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