In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
