Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
