i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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