he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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