So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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