Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
