i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
