So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
