i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
