I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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