My nipple is on Facebook.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
