morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
