He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
