I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
