gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
