I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
