im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
