I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
