i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
