News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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