If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Drunk is not a location!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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