Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
