a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
